Seeking Feedback: Specificity

Episode Transcript

The Seeking Feedback Specificity card states, “A broad question like ‘How am I doing?’ may work, but it can also invite mostly compliments. To get more useful feedback, try narrowing your ask.” And the card invites you to practice the narrow ask, which you can do by asking, “What is one specific thing I can do next time to improve how I show up in that environment?”

Let’s go beyond what the card says. So here’s a pattern worth noticing in yourself. Some of us are so uncomfortable asking for feedback that when we finally do it, we compress the ask into as few words as possible. We may genuinely want great and detailed feedback. We may truly value what it can do for our personal and professional lives. But the fear and tension of asking means we rush. We get the question out fast so we can escape the discomfort fast.

But there can be a massive cost to rushing in that way. A rushed ask is usually a vague ask, and a vague ask usually begets a vague response, most often in the form of a quick compliment. “You’re doing great. No complaints here. Keep it up.” Those kinds of comments can sometimes be helpful if you genuinely aren’t sure, and often the other person isn’t being lazy or dishonest by saying them. They’re responding to exactly what you gave them, a question with kind of no edges, no direction, and no signal about what you actually want to know. “How am I doing?” is so incredibly broad that it can take a ton of brainpower for the feedback giver to assess the wholeness of whatever the behavior is, drill down to find the helpful details, et cetera.

Compare that with the narrow ask: “What is one specific thing I can do next time to improve how I show up in that environment?” Everything in that question works in your favor. “One specific thing” gives the person a manageable task. “Next time” points them toward the future rather than a critique of the past, and it can put them into a frame of mind where they are literally envisioning you performing again, and this ability to visualize can really help them come up with helpful feedback. And then lastly, naming the environment focuses their memory on a concrete moment they actually witnessed.

But the guidance on this card runs deeper than wording. It’s asking you to notice if and when emotional states are causing you to rush or blur your ask. That noticing is the skill underneath the skill, because once you feel the urge to hurry, the tight chest, the desire to get this over with, whatever it is, once you are simply in a state of noticing that, now all of a sudden you have a choice. You can obey the discomfort, or you can slow down and ask with the pacing and detail your growth deserves.

That’s card 06 of the Seeking Feedback suit. Before your next ask, take one breath and check, “Am I rushing this?” You may find that slowing down for five seconds changes the entire quality of what comes back to you.