Receiving Feedback: Curiosity

Episode Transcript

The Receiving Feedback Curiosity card states, “Defensiveness is understandable sometimes. At other times, curiosity is a wiser response. Use it to learn more about their perspective.” And the card invites you to practice the pivot, which you can do if defensiveness is in the room but not needed by saying, “Can you share more? I want to understand where you’re coming from.”

So with how much weight many societies place on work, including in some countries linking it directly to healthcare, it’s completely natural for defensiveness to be in the room when feedback comes our way. We may want to defend ourselves for many reasons, sometimes because, in essence, we feel we’re defending our job and therefore our livelihood and our ability to care for our families. Sometimes because we take great pride in the very behavior the feedback giver is asking us to change. That pride is real, and it deserves acknowledgement rather than shame.

So this card isn’t saying defensiveness is wrong. It’s saying that defensiveness, while understandable, is often not the most useful tool in the room. And nearly always, shifting our mindset toward curiosity about the feedback giver’s perspective will allow us to maximize what we get from the experience.

Now, an important distinction. This isn’t about interrogating the giver as a way to wield power, firing rapid questions at them until they retreat or something, which would basically just be defensiveness wearing a different disguise. Passive-aggressive curiosity isn’t really curiosity. This is about being genuinely interested, wanting to get into the details, asking them questions about what they saw, asking why they believe their feedback, if implemented, could set you up better for the future.

And here’s the mechanism behind why this works. Genuine curiosity changes the conversation itself. When a giver senses real interest rather than resistance, many tend to relax, because keep in mind, and many studies validate this, that often the feedback giver is also filled with anxiety. So if they’re more relaxed, they will be more inclined to share more. They might move past the rehearsed version of their feedback into the more granular stuff underneath it, the specific moment they noticed something, the pattern they’ve seen over time. That’s where those vital details live. A defensive conversation usually stays on the surface because both people are sort of managing tension. But a curious conversation goes deep, usually because both people are exploring something together.

That’s card 05 of the Receiving Feedback suit. The next time you feel the shield coming up and realize it isn’t needed, put it down and pick up a question. Asking something simple like, “Can you share more?” can change the entire temperature of the room and therefore what you get out of the feedback conversation.