Receiving Feedback: Clarify

Episode Transcript

The Receiving Feedback Clarify card states, “Ensure you understand the feedback before you agree or disagree with it. If something feels unclear, paraphrase it back and check.” And the card invites you to practice the replay, which you can do if the feedback is vague by asking, “Can you give me a specific example?” And if it seems clear, by confirming it: “I think you’re saying, recap point. Is that right?”

Let’s unpack this one. So many of us, through social norms and a desire to avoid even the smallest bit of conflict, have internalized the idea that we need to agree with all feedback we receive. And of course, there are times when we genuinely do agree. Perhaps the feedback is asking for a simple change, so we agree right there in the moment and go make the change. Nothing wrong with that.

But at other times, we may find ourselves agreeing before we really understand what’s being asked. It’s like our nodding in agreement comes first, and then maybe the comprehension comes after. Or depending on our mood or the defensive mechanisms we’ve touched on in other cards in this suit, we may be ready to push back no matter what the feedback giver says, disagreeing with something we haven’t actually understood either. Notice what both of those responses have in common, a verdict delivered before real clarity was reached.

So here’s the reframe this card offers. When feedback feels challenging, perhaps because it’s asking for something that will be hard or something you’re sensitive about, your number one priority is not about the performance of agreeing or disagreeing, and it’s not about deciding whether you agree or disagree. Your number one priority right in the moment of receiving feedback, like words are coming at you, is getting complete clarity on what the feedback giver is actually advising you to do. Because it’s far too easy to fill the absence of clarity with our assumptions, and our assumptions, especially when we are activated, tend to be less generous and less accurate than what the person may have actually meant.

The replay gives you two tools for this. When the feedback is vague, maybe they say something like, “You could be more strategic,” that’s when you ask something like, “Can you give me a specific example?” Specifics turn abstractions into something you can actually work with. And when the feedback seems clear, confirm it anyway. “I think you’re saying…” and then repeat it, and then ask, “Is that right?” That small kind of confirmation loop can catch misunderstandings that sometimes the feedback giver and receiver didn’t know were there.

And here’s why this clarity matters beyond the conversation itself. With a complete understanding, you’re now in a far better position to move into the processing phase, the skill covered in the next suit, where you determine whether you agree or disagree and why, and then ultimately to the using phase, where you put a plan in place. Clarity is the foundation that all those next phases, those next suits in this deck, are built on.

That’s card 08 of the Receiving Feedback suit. In your next feedback conversation, and especially if it’s challenging feedback, and most especially if, like I have been throughout my career, you are conflict averse, try practicing what it’s like to hold off on agreeing or disagreeing. Just make understanding your complete priority.