Episode Transcript
The Giving Feedback Permission card states: “Unsolicited feedback can cause defensiveness. In a private setting, ask for permission to share it first. This can create a safer environment.” And the card invites you to use what’s called the opener, which you can do by saying something like, “I have some observations that might help you do X.
Are you open to receiving them? If so, is now a good time?” So let’s spend a moment unpacking what this card is asking of us. The first card in the giving feedback suit begins not with direct advice on how to give feedback, but with a reminder of what it feels like to receive it. That cultivation of empathy, remembering what it’s like to receive hard feedback, uh, isn’t just a nice thing to do or some kind of sentiment.
It’s a practical tool because one of the biggest barriers to giving feedback effectively isn’t necessarily the words you use and the skill with which you use those words, it’s anxiety. And when you can remember what it’s like to receive challenging feedback, you can bring a sense of empathy to yourself, and in my experience, that can reduce your anxiety as you move into the conversation.
There’s a Harvard Business Review article titled, “Why do so many managers avoid giving praise?” And it found that 21% of managers admit they avoid giving negative feedback altogether. They just don’t do it. You can probably guess why. Mostly due to the anxiety they feel around doing so. And here’s what makes that even more striking.
37% in that same article said they avoid giving positive feedback as well. They treat it as optional. And honestly, that’s a travesty because positive feedback is one of the primary ways human beings learn what’s working, and they can double down on it and feel motivated to keep going. So we have a significant portion of managers who aren’t giving feedback at all, and the people around them are feeling it.
There’s a study from Textio titled Language Bias in Performance Feedback, and it found that 17% of employees planning to leave their current company cited insufficient feedback as their primary reason for going. The primary reason. Think about that combination. Managers are avoiding feedback due to anxiety.
Employees are literally walking out the door in part because they never received it. Asking for permission, the opener on this card can be one practical way to begin closing that gap. It signals respect, it gives the receiver a moment to prepare, might even give you as a giver some time to prepare.
And in relationships where you hold more power, as a manager, a senior colleague, a teacher, it brings a bit more balance to what can feel like an ambush, a confrontation. That shift can benefit both people. It can reduce the stress of the giver, and I think it can reduce the defensiveness of the receiver.
So that’s card 01 of the giving feedback suit. The next time you have feedback worth sharing, try first bringing to mind how it can feel to receive negative feedback, feel that empathy, and then try leading with the opener. You may find that simply asking for permission makes the conversation that follows feel less like a confrontation and more like a collaboration, which is actually what it is.
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