Transcript
Hi there and welcome to Module One in our Constructive Feedback course.
Let’s now work through How to Receive Feedback Effectively.
I want to start this module by acknowledging that many of us feedback receivers have received some pretty condescending advice in this regard, mostly through the many popular articles out there telling us, essentially, that receiving feedback is mostly about smiling, saying thank you, and making eye contact.
If you’re lucky, you may have found an article talking about active listening.
In essence, these articles put the feedback giver on a pedestal and speak down to us feedback receivers.
They make it appear as though being perceived as receiving feedback is more important than actually receiving feedback.
Unfortunately, this power dynamic also plays out across much of the academic literature about feedback.
Consider this quote from a paper in 2020: “There is a substantial literature on how to deliver feedback to change performance, however to date, no research has been conducted on teaching employees how to effectively receive feedback.” Now, to be fair, there is research out there about receiving feedback – particularly in helping students do so – but the authors of this paper highlight a significant gap in the literature and I wanted you to be aware of it.
So if you’ve received such condescending advice or otherwise just haven’t found practical insights to help you receive feedback, welcome.
We’re going to take a far different approach here.
Now I know we’ve talked a lot about the perils of making assumptions in this course.
But I am going to assume that, generally, you know how to interact with other human beings.
With that assumption made known, let’s now explore how to receive the feedback we need to improve as professionals.
In my experience, effectively receiving feedback and being able to sustain our ability to do so over a long period of time comes down to two parts.
The first is the ability to consciously cultivate curiosity and a growth mindset.
There are several elements worth exploring here.
First, let’s look at consciously cultivates.
Team, this is about intentionally making an effort to do the inner work it takes to change your mind’s habits.
As such, it means developing self-awareness.
You can do this through various means, including journaling, meditation, and even therapy, but you may find it quite difficult to begin to develop an inner world that better serves you if you aren’t first taking the time to explore how it’s serving you right now.
Let’s now look at curiosity.
Earlier in this course, we mentioned Tim Grover, Michael Jordan’s long-time trainer.
Tim has a quote that has stuck with me for some time now.
He said, “Interested people watch obsessed people change the world.” I’ll say that again. “Interested people watch obsessed people change the world.” Now, as with all quotes, this may not apply to every situation, but in my experience there’s a truth in there as it relates to receiving feedback.
For example, how is it that the greatest artists and musicans and mathematicians and scientists and writers and athletes… how is it that the folks who have reached greatness in their field keep working on their craft day in and day out – which is often what it takes to be great?
One might say, as Tim’s quote does, that they are obsessed.
But what’s behind that obsession?
If you peel that layer back, you’ll find a lot of things, I mean a lot of things, but very often one of them is relentless curiosity.
It’s this curiosity that allows us to care about the small details.
Yes, one might say to sweat the details, rather than only look at the larger pictures.
In this sense, those considered the great of their domain – whether it’s a sushi chef or a fashion designer – tend to see their craft as a mosaic in which they are fascinated and curious by every piece that goes into it.
So, as feedback receivers, we can build a similar mindset.
We can set out on this path.
Wee might ask: “What is it that I want to improve in?” And then a follow-up question would be: “If what we want to improve in we’re a mosaic, how many of the pieces that go into it are we aware of?
And of those pieces we know, how are we working to improve in them?” Lastly, let’s look at growth mindset.
As I covered in a video on the Five Feedback Myths, many variables come into play when we receive feedback – and one of them has to do with whether we are more inclined to have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset.
We know from the work of Professor Carol Dweck, you’ll find a link to her book titled, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, in the description, that those of us with a fixed mindset – that is those of us who are inclined to believe that our intelligence and abilities are fixed – tend to experience receiving feedback as if we failed a critical test.
After all, if we believe our qualities are fixed we will likely work hard to portray them as perfect, and feedback rattles this sense of perfection, often causing us feedback receivers to become defensive, even ignore great feedback, and generally feel pretty terrible.
Those with a growth mindset, that is, those who are inclined to see their intelligence and abilities as qualities that by their nature can be improved through effort, tend to experience receiving feedback as a valuable and even an exciting opportunity to grow.
Billie Jean King’s quote from earlier in the course about how she sees every mistake as feedback is a great example of a growth mindset.
As with curiosity, for many of us it takes work to shift our mind into this new way of being.
The second part to effectively receiving feedback is about applying these qualities to serve a continuous pursuit of personal and professional development.
We can spend all the time in the world shifting our mind’s habits to better serve us, and this indeed can have a host of benefits, but we also need to bring these mindset shifts out into the world and into our relationships.
For the late Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant, this meant going to what he called “GOAT Mountain,” with GOAT standing for Greatest Of All Time.
Kobe approached six all-time great basketball players and sought feedback about how to improve.
He picked their brain about every minute detail of the game, from their mindset to what they ate.
In other words, Kobe had cultivated a growth mindset and then put a disciplined plan in place for how to use this mindset to go around collecting the most constructive feedback he could find.
So if we were to label these two parts of receiving feedback, it might look like this, with the first part being about Mindset and the second about Action.
The next point I want to highlight here has to do with where feedback comes from.
Too often, I see folks who are early in their journey of taking feedback seriously seem to think it only comes from their manager.
With this lens, it’s easy to become a passive feedback receiver, which is exactly the opposite of what we want.
So, first up, you could receive feedback from yourself.
You may have noticed your mind can be incessant about calling attention to areas where you aren’t good enough or don’t stack up to others.
Again, through cultivating self-awareness and mindfulness, you can begin to leverage this self- feedback for your benefit rather than letting it spiral out of control into harsh and unhelpful looping criticism.
Additionally, you can receive feedback from your body.
We tend to think the mind is the only place wisdom can arise, but our body is a teacher.
In one obvious example: it’s not our mind that tells us there’s something off about how we are sitting at work.
It’s our body, often through an ache in the neck or back.
We’ll explore the body in a bit more detail later in the course.
And second, you can receive feedback from others.
But I want you to expand your sense of what others means here.
Others can be your manager, but it can also be any of your colleagues, or your friends and family members, or automated systems and bots.
Others simply means from anyone or anything outside of yourself.
And keep in mind that others doesn’t necessarily mean someone says something to you.
You can seek feedback from others through what’s called “Indirect Feedback Seeking,” which simply means observing some qualities in others, comparing that to your own, and using that comparison as a point of feedback for how you might be able to improve.
So now that you have a sense of the Mindset and the need for Action as a feedback receiver, and where feedback comes from, let’s ensure you are looking out for the right things – in other words, let’s ensure you have a sense of what Effective Feedback typically looks like.
At a high level, feedback is most effective when it takes place within a relationship that feels psychologically safe.
Psychological safety comes from the work of Amy Edmonson, and in a team environment it essentially means all members of the team have a shared sense that it’s safe to ask questions, bring up concerns, disagree, put forth ideas, and even admit mistakes.
In other words, these important forms of communication have not just a place but a valued place and they aren’t met with negative consequences.
It takes a lot of work to build such an environment for feedback, and we’ll cover some of that in Module 6.
Feedback is also typically effective when the mindsets of the feedback giver and the feedback receiver are positive and aligned.
As in: both parties are stepping into the relationship with respect and empathy for each other, with a pure intention, and with the goal of development.
As you can likely guess, effective feedback is specific and constructive – not just a call out.
As one article in Harvard Business Review puts it: “Telling people they are missing the mark is not the same as helping them hit the mark.” What you’re looking for in effective feedback is not overly vague statements like great work, or even “You need to improve your project management skills,” but the next level that come after these statements, something like: “Here are a few things I loved about your latest effort” or “The latest projects you’ve been working on missed our deadlines.
Is there anything I can do to help?
How would you recommend we improve in this regard?” And as we will cover in future modules, feedback is most effective when the receiver has time to process and integrate it into their life or workflow.
Here’s a way, inspired by Edmondson’s work, to visualize when feedback coming your way might be the most effective kind.
We have helpfulness on one axis and empathy on the other.
Typically the best feedback is upper right.
It’s very helpful and it’s delivered by a person who can truly understand what the receiver needs and is sensitive to how the receiver may need feedback to be delivered.
As you can see from the Maybe Learning Zone, learning can still happen with feedback that isn’t delivered from that place of empathy but it can just as likely be disregarded due to the poor delivery or lack of trust that may arise based on how it was delivered.
A related point to note here: a 2017 study showed that leaders who scored higher on empathy tests were better at giving constructive feedback but, get this, a 2022 study showed that their own performance was less effective after delivering feedback because doing so took an emotional tool on them.
You’ll also notice here that feedback that isn’t very helpful and isn’t delivered with empathy is more likely to cause anxiety than any kind of professional development.
And that feedback that is pure empathy without much helpfulness, as can often be the case with feedback givers who are conflict-averse, isn’t likely to achieve anything great as it will mostly be keeping things comfortable and as they are.
Okay, let’s switch gears a bit and think about being in the moment of receiving constructive feedback.
What can you do?
How can you best handle that moment?
Should you smile and say thank you and all that?
Well, here’s how I see it.
The first thing you should do is bring attention to your breath.
Receiving feedback can stir emotions.
Coming back to our breath before, during, and after receiving feedback can help us receive it with grace and feel grateful for the gift – even if it’s a gift we may choose not to use.
The second thing you can do is feel into your best self.
You know who that person is.
Bring them out.
Don’t worry about smiling or performing certain acts, just consciously bring your best self to the experience and you will know what to do.
You’ll likely leave the conversation feeling far better about how you showed up.
Lastly, and sort of a bonus tip here: When feedback comes out of nowhere it can be helpful to have what I call a Feedback Fallback Phrase.
This is a phrase you can use after you’ve received feedback you need time to process.
If you receive feedback about fixing a typo, for example, you don’t really need a feedback fallback phrase.
A simple: “Thank you for catching that.
I’ll make the edit as soon as possible will suffice.” But for feedback that feels challenging, perhaps because it brought forth your defensiveness or because you aren’t sure you agree with it, it can be helpful to have a phrase that quickly acknowledges receipt of the feedback, grants you space to process, and doesn’t immediately agree or disagree with the feedback.
Something I’ve used in the past is: “Got it.
I hear what you’re saying and I’ll get back to you on that.” As you approach your journey of receiving feedback, it can be helpful to use what I call The Four A’s of Receiving Feedback.
The first A is for Aspire.
This is a reminder to keep aspiring by centering your development through curiosity and a growth mindset.
If you feel yourself starting to stagnate or otherwise get complacent, come back to this one.
The next A is for active.
This is about pairing your receiver’s mindset work with action, and it’s also about practicing active listening in the moment when you are receiving feedback.
If something isn’t clear to you, ask questions about it.
One type of active listening you can practice is called reflective mirroring, where you restate in your own words what you think the feedback giver means.
By active listening, you are taking a proactive role in ensuring you fully understand the feedback you just received.
The third a, because it’s that important, is Ask.
This is a reminder to be a constant feedback seeker, to go get what you need.
Ask for clarity.
Ask for what you think you need.
And put yourself in a position to get what you don’t yet know you need.
And lastly we have Accept.
Consider this a reminder to eventually accept what you received so you can move on.
To accept doesn’t necessarily mean to adopt the feedback, it just means you’ve reached what seems like a final level of clarity and you are now ready to move it to the processing phase, which we will cover in the next module.