Giving Feedback: Behavior

Episode Transcript

The Giving Feedback Behavior card states, “Distinguish between what you observed, the behavior, and what you think it meant. Leading with your observation can make it easier for the receiver to engage.” And the card invites you to practice the shift. Instead of, “You were disengaged,” try, “I noticed you were on your phone during a key part of the discussion. Is everything okay?”

Let’s slow down on the difference between those two sentences, because it’s bigger than it looks. So “you were disengaged” feels like a statement of fact when you say it, but look closer and you’ll see that it’s more of an interpretation. It’s a conclusion you drew from something you saw. What you actually observed was a person on their phone during a key part of the discussion. That’s it. That’s what you observed. The disengagement part is your mind’s story about what the phone meant, and that story might be right, might also be completely wrong. Maybe they were handling a family situation or taking notes or looking up the exact figure the room needed. Who knows?

But leading with direct observation serves a few important purposes. For one, it keeps you focused. When you bring to mind exact observations, what happened when, what you saw, you’re far less likely to stray into commentary about someone’s character or commitment. The observation acts like those bumper pads at a bowling alley. It can also help keep your emotions more regulated, and this one matters more than most givers realize. You may, for various reasons, be genuinely upset about what you think the observed behavior meant. Maybe the story in your head is disrespect or apathy or someone checked out on the team. But often there are holes in that reasoning, assumptions you can’t verify from the outside. Sticking to the observation keeps you from delivering feedback that is partly fueled by a story of your own making.

And here’s the meaningful part: those holes can actually get filled, because now you’re pairing your perspective with the receiver’s. The conversation may well move into what the behavior meant. A far better bridge to that conversation, though, is beginning with what you saw and then asking a thoughtful question. Thoughtful, I should stress, rather than interrogating. Something like, “Is everything okay?” opens a door, whereas a comment like, “What was so important on your phone?” can slam one shut.

And there’s a generosity built into the shift, too. When you lead with the observation and a question, you’re signaling to the receiver, “I noticed something, and I haven’t decided what it means yet. I’d like your help understanding it.” That’s basically what’s happening, and that’s usually a far better starting place than anything that can immediately put the receiver on the defensive. That posture makes it far easier for them to engage honestly, because they’re being invited into the meaning-making rather than defending against what they may feel is a verdict that’s already been reached.

That’s card 04 of the Giving Feedback suit. Before your next feedback conversation, try separating your notes into two columns: what I think I saw and what I think it meant. Share the first column, hold the second column loosely. You may find the receiver fills it in more accurately than you could have.