Impact-First
Accountability
The Shield vs. The Bandage
Intent-First Defense
The Ego’s Shield
Retreating into a defensive crouch: “That wasn’t my intent.” Prioritizing your self-image as a “good person” over the pain of the other.
Role: The Shield.
Impact-First Accountability
The Emergency Response
Meeting the pain directly. Witnessing the experience of the other without justification. Intent is saved for the debrief.
Role: The Bandage.
Beyond the Conflict
On social media, intent and impact are often framed as a battle—direct opposites where one must win and the other must be discarded. This narrative suggests that intent never matters. But Impact-First Accountability reframes this: your intent isn’t irrelevant; it simply shouldn’t be led with when a person is standing before you in pain.
The Emergency Room Logic
If you accidentally drive over someone’s foot, you don’t lead with your five-star driving record while they are writhing on the ground. In that moment, explaining your “good intentions” is just a way to protect yourself from the discomfort of having caused harm. No one cares about your driving record while their bones are crushing; they care about the pain.
The Order of Operations
To heal a relationship, you must first witness the experience of the other. Once the person feels heard and the “bleeding” has stopped, intent becomes vital. For long-term health, both parties need to know if the harm was a genuine mistake or a calculated act. But remember the order: Lead with the bandage (Impact), not the shield (Intent).
Subscribe to get it every Thursday.