May
02

While the Train Runs

train

The award-winning short film about the rail tracks slum of Dhaka, Bangladesh.

“Cheap clothes? They do not exist!”

This was the comment that appeared on my Facebook feed regarding the heartbreaking news of the nearly 400 people who died in the recent Bangladesh garment factory collapse. It’s true and felt truer because the man who said it runs several fair-trade garment factories throughout India that employs rehabilitated survivors of human trafficking. He gets it. There is a price to everything and affluent countries are often entirely blind to this fact. Unfortunately, globalization sometimes makes it tough to see how a garment factory collapsing in Bangladesh has any connection to our daily lives. His quote inspired my own:

cc

Travel is the greatest way to feel connected to our unseen connections. Because that’s not always a possibility, we owe it to ourselves and humanity to enter into other cultures through brilliant short films like While the Train Runs. Check it out:

While the train runs from Enrico Parenti, Takae film on Vimeo.

Apr
27

Man-to-Man with Author John-Paul Flintoff

JPF

John-Paul Flintoff believes we need to reframe how we think about achieving our goals and changing the world.

John-Paul Flintoff is an author, a journalist and a faculty member of The School of Life – a cultural enterprise offering good ideas for everyday life – where, “You will not be cornered by any dogma, but directed towards a variety of ideas – from philosophy to literature, psychology to the visual arts – that tickle, exercise and expand your mind. You’ll meet other curious, sociable and open-minded people in an atmosphere of exploration and enjoyment.” His book How to Change the World was recently released (see my review here) and we caught up with him for an interview. Enjoy.

Your book is titled “How to Change the World.” In your TEDx video of the same title you spoke about how history paints a picture of individuals, but that truth shows the real magic of change is in life’s minutiae – a minutiae of which we are all taking part. When did you first notice how important this shift in thinking could be? How has living it changed your own life?

Some years ago, I was sent to interview the actor Jonathan Pryce about a show he was in. He’d complained, some time before, about one of the actors he worked with not working hard enough. I asked him why that mattered – why not concentrate on being great himself. (I had no idea how much this question exposed my ignorance.)

“Because on stage,” he said, “you are only as good as the people around you.”

I asked him to elaborate. He drew a breath and said: “Imagine a powerful king on the stage. What does he look like?”

I shut my eyes and tried to picture it. “He has a huge crown,” I said. “And a huge throne. Covered in gold…?”

No, Pryce replied. “Those details only mean that he is king. What makes him powerful is the other people on stage, lying flat on their faces before him. If the same people got up and turned their backs to him, told jokes and smoked cigarettes, or had a snooze, the same king would no longer be powerful at all. In other words it’s their behaviour that makes him powerful, not his.”

In other words power is given by consent of the people over whom it’s exercised. This really blew my mind. It means that, when we grumble about “the system” or “the status quo”, we lose sight of our own complicity in the way things are. The status quo is like that powerful king. If we don’t like it, we must get up off our faces, turn our backs, and start to tell jokes. Which is to say: Do Something.

You’ve covered plenty of topics in your years as a journalist – from factories in Bangalore to the UK economy, from restorative justice models to interviews with Nobel-winning scientists. What are three stories you’ve covered but still find yourself mulling over?

I wrote about an amazing woman, Camila Batmanghelidjh, who set up a charity helping thousands of deprived and often feral London children. At one point, we visited an adult mental ward straight out of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. A girl, underage and without competent carers, had been admitted “for observation” (althought she was mentally healthy) because it was cheaper than finding her proper accommodation. I was appalled that this happened.

This girl had come to the charity’s attention because she was robbing people on public transport. I wondered what I should do if I ever met somebody like her on a bus or train, and was told, “If you are afraid, you have to hide that: Cleo told me once that what pisses her off is that people make an assumption that she is going to do something wrong.”

The idea that people can pick up on what we are (even unconsciously) projecting onto them had a massive effect on me. Ever since, I’ve tried to approach even the most menacing people as if they were not menacing at all, in fact, as if they were really lovely – and (so far) I’ve been treated well in return. Good fortune? Perhaps. Mere soft-hearted liberalism? Maybe. But if it works…

Much more lighthearted are the stories I’ve done that were inspired by the writing of George Plimpton. I have always felt that journalism can be false when it aspires to be objective – and much preferred to say, well, this is my view, based on my experience, and you are welcome to take it or leave it. So I got into the ring with a boxer, and I joined a professional theatre show, and I worked for a “green” funeral business. I have always wanted to know what it’s like to be in other people’s shoes.

But the piece of journalism I probably think about most is the first interview I ever did, with the cult performer Ivor Cutler. He’d been a teacher at my junior school (we didn’t know that he was famous, and had been in films with The Beatles). I telephoned nervously and asked if I could interview him because I wanted to be a journalist. I had no idea where I would sell the interview, or what I was doing, but he was kind, and patient, and told me afterwards that he thought I would be a good journalist because I seemed interested in his answers. These may have been merely kind words, but they made a huge difference to me and gave me the courage to stick with it. I often think about how powerful and positive that kind of encouragement can be, and hope that I manage to do something similar for others occasionally.

One of your core beliefs is that we as individuals are capable of far more than we think we are, that we are beyond our business cards. What are some things that hinder people from unlocking and/or realizing their full potential?

The main thing is fear – we have wonderful ideas about what we might like to do, but over the years we have learned to internalise the criticism we’ve received and become our own biggest critic. Since writing the book I have trained as a coach, and I’ve been amazed at the resourceful, ingenious ways in which people throw up reasons why they can’t do the thing they would really like to do – not yet, anyway. There’s always an explanation that is plausible, and rational – but it’s usually completely unnecessary. One way around that is to trick yourself into thinking that your dream is entirely achievable – ask yourself what you would do “if you knew you couldn’t fail”, as if success were magically guaranteed, and then you will hit on the mission that really means something to you. After that, there’s a danger you might be overwhelmed by the sheer magnificence of it – but remember that nobody ever did anything except in small steps – and you can start doing that tomorrow.

Lastly, you speak about how enjoying the solution is just as important as obtaining the goal. Can you give some practical examples of this? Regardless of what our goals may be, how can we practice this philosophy so that it becomes a regular part of our life?

When we get carried away with the final goal, we stop enjoying the process – which is crazy because we may never reach the ultimate goal. (Somebody may invent something that renders it unnecessary, or we may find a more important mission.) If you don’t make the small steps valuable in their own right, you may become one of those people who uses the end to justify any means whatever. Gandhi talked about trying to enjoy the “blessed monotony” of, say, washing the dishes. Other traditions recommend that you do that by imagining each dish is the Buddha, or the baby Jesus. Fundamentally, enjoying the small steps is a form of meditation. And like all meditation, when it works, it can be a great relief: when I first got worried about climate change and resource shortages I started to live my life as locally as possible “in order to save the world”. But in practice I stopped worrying so much and just started to enjoy the sheer fun of growing my own food, walking around my neighbourhood and making my own clothes (yes, really!).

***

Follow John-Paul Flintoff on Twitter @JPFlintoff

Read more in Social Justice.

Apr
25

Man-to-Man with Cultural Thinker Roman Krznaric

Roman

Roman Krznaric is perhaps the world’s foremost authority on empathy. Here’s our interview with him.

Roman Krznaric is the author of The Wonderbox: Curious Histories of How to Live, The First Beautiful Game: Stories of Obsession in Real Tennis and his recently-released How to Find Fulfilling Work (see my review here). He’s a founding faculty member of The School of Life in London and his life’s mission right now is to build the world’s first empathy museum. To the interview:

Roman, you are considered a “cultural thinker and writer on the art of living.” The Observer named you one of Britain’s leading lifestyle philosophers. What initially drew you to take seriously the field – life – that is often so taken for granted and lived that it’s basically forgotten? What about it maintains your fascination?

I certainly never set out to become a ‘philosopher of life’ (there’s no file on this at most career advice centers!). I began my career as an academic teaching sociology and politics, but have also tried a range of other jobs, amongst them gardener, financial journalist, carpenter, tennis coach, community worker and – perhaps the toughest of them all – being a father of young twins. So I’ve always been searching for my own personal version of ‘the good life’, and gradually became interested in what we could learn from the whole range of human experience about this. I think too many self-help books are based on a relatively narrow range of ideas from the field of psychology, and I’ve wanted to search for wisdom in everything from history and philosophy, to literature, film and anthropology. What maintains my fascination? I think the perennial struggle of how to live a meaningful life where we put our values into practice – trying to close the gap between what we say we believe and how we actually act. ‘Be the change you want to see in the world,’ said Gandhi. It’s a nice quote for your screensaver, but doing it in reality isn’t so easy.

You’re a founding faculty member of “The School of Life” in London. Can you tell us a bit about what this is and the work you do through it?

The School of Life was established in London in 2008, and since we started over 50,000 people have come through the doors, and we’ve now also opened in Sydney and Rio. A number of thinkers including the philosopher Alain de Botton and myself were dissatisfied with the state of higher education, and wanted to do something about it. You can go to college and study physics or accounting, but you can’t do courses in so many of the topics that really matter in life – such as how to make relationships work, how to find fulfilling work, how to expand your creative self, or how to think about death. The School of Life was invented to provide this, in a way reviving the idea of Plato’s Academy in Ancient Greece, where you would study ethics and the nature of friendship alongside geometry and drama. We believe that this kind of education on how to live should be part of everyday culture. It would be great if there was a School of Life, or similar institution, in every shopping mall.

Speaking of empathy, the Dalai Lama has been outspoken in his belief that we need to incorporate the practice of it into our educational systems. What are your thoughts on this and what are some practical ways that we can (1) get the public to understand empathy’s importance and (2) actually make it a reality within classrooms?

I’ve dedicated much of the last decade to spreading the word about the importance of empathy, both as a philosophy of life and as an essential force for social change. For instance, I recently produced an animated video called The Power of Outrospection,which is specifically designed as an educational tool to get people to understand what empathy really means – especially the idea that empathy doesn’t just make you good but it is good for you too, and also that empathy is not simply about being nice to people but can be a radical tool to challenge problems such as inequality and violent conflicts. What’s been helping to increase public understanding of empathy is that over the past 20 years there has been a revolution in neuroscience, evolutionary biology and psychology, which has revealed that the old story that human beings are selfish and individualistic by nature no longer holds; in fact, our brains are just as much wired for empathy, social cooperation and mutual aid. We are homo empathicus as much as homo self-centricus.

There have been huge strides made in bringing empathy into the classroom in recent years. The world’s most famous and effective programme is The Roots of Empathy, which was founded in Canada but has now spread to the US, Australia, New Zealand and the UK. Over half a million kids have gone through the programme, and it has had a major impact on boosting empathy levels amongst children aged 5 to 12, has reduced schoolyard bullying, and has also increased general academic attainment. But the really great thing about Roots of Empathy is that the teacher is…a baby! Really. Each class ‘adopts’ a baby for the year, which visits them regularly, and the kids sit around the baby talking about what the baby is thinking and feeling, why it’s laughing or crying. It’s the beginning of getting the kids to learn how to step into someone else’s shoes. I believe that Roots of Empathy should be available to all school children.

Lastly, your book “How to Find Fulfilling Work” will be released April 23. It presumably contains a few answers, but do people generally ask the right questions? When it comes to work, what are the questions you most often hear and what questions do you wish you would hear more often?

Those are good questions! The most common questions I hear from people are things like: How can I work out what a meaningful job really looks like for me? How important is the pursuit of money or other things like putting my values and talents into practice? And how can I actually overcome my fears and find the courage and confidence to make a big career change? So I set out to answer these kinds of questions in the book, drawing on the latest empirical research, but also finding inspiration in figures such as Leonardo Da Vinci, Marie Curie and even Zorba the Greek.

I’d like to hear more questions, though, about how men manage the relationship between their work and family life. One of the issues that fascinates me, and that few people know about, is that the idea of the ‘stay-at-home dad’ is not a modern invention. In fact, in the pre-industrial period, when the economy and the home were more closely intertwined, men did much more of the domestic work and childcare than they do today. There are also some cultures, such as the Aka Pymies in the Congo, where men and women share the childcare pretty much equally (I’ve written about it here). I think there’s a lot that men – and women – can learn from history and other cultures about the really tough question of how, in traditional two-parent families, both partners can get satisfaction in their professional lives, while also sharing domestic roles more equally.

***

Follow Roman Krznaric on Twitter @RomanKrznaric

–Author Photo by Kate Raworth

Read more in Social Justice.

Apr
23

Until There’s Blood: The Sexual Abuse of Boys in Cambodia

Run

In Cambodia, sexually abused boys struggle to be believed.

-Phnom Penh

The little boy didn’t have proof the first time. That he told about the experience in graphic detail wasn’t enough. After all, the accused was like a family member. And the boy, well, was a boy.

In Cambodia there’s a phrase that translates to “boys are pure gold.” It’s tempting to think this first means “valuable” but that definition is secondary. What the phrase truly means is that boys can be burned, beaten and smashed and yet still be gold. They’re tough. They don’t complain. They grow to be men where they enter into another phase and translated phrase: “man with 5 hat chest.” A hat is a measurement term in Cambodia that equals about ½ meter. A “man with 5 hat chest” can be likened to our version of the macho man, the tough guy. While the body undergoes dramatic changes when going from boy to man, the masculine psyche merely congeals.

The accused was a respected traditional healer in the community. This particular family even referred to him as Uncle. He’d been there over the years and the family believed he’d saved their lives on numerous occasions. So they didn’t give it a second thought when the healer said he was awfully sick and that to heal himself he’d need the boy to sleep in bed with him.

The boy didn’t want to go but boys are pure gold. As he was aggressively fondled he escaped and ran home in a frenzied blur to tell his parents what happened.

***

Many Cambodians, unlike their more progressive Thai neighbors, can’t understand the idea that a Khmer man could be sexually involved with another man. And so a Khmer man sexually abusing a young boy? It’s out of the question. One mother, upon hearing of such an abuse, was quoted as saying, “I don’t believe it. Our men here like women.” Of those Cambodians who believe that men can sexually abuse children, many believe it is a crime only committed (1) by foreign men and (2) by homosexual foreign men. They hold these beliefs despite the evidence that says (1) about 70% of rapes and assaults are committed by someone known to the victim and (2) homosexual men are not more likely to abuse children than heterosexual men are. In fact, many Cambodians refer to such crimes as “the foreigner disease” and they believe that advocacy groups who work to convince them otherwise are against Khmer culture and seeking to bring shame to the country.

According to my sources in Cambodia and corroborated by other international research I’ve done, most sexual abuse of children is not from a foreigner or even a local stranger – it’s from a close friend, family member or community influential. Child sexual abuse at the hands of foreigners often makes it in Cambodia’s local newspapers, but the same crimes committed by locals makes the papers more often. This is telling, especially when taking into account how such crimes often go unreported when the accused is friend or family. So why does the denial still exist?

It’s the case of already having a firm belief and tying that belief to personal identity. Information that reinforces said beliefs seal themselves deeper into memory, while information to the contrary is easy to disregard. It’s the right-wing conservative who hears of underpaid workers striking and immediately thinks lazy bums, or the left-wing liberal who reads Obama’s drone strike kills innocent chil and quickly flips the page.

***

The boy’s parents didn’t believe him. The healer’s cough became more consistent. He asked the family again and the family agreed again. The boy, raised to be pure gold like so many other boys in the world, knew so deeply what awaited him if he complained that he began to question his own story of what happened.

He was penetrated this time, violently. This time when he ran home in a blur he had something to show. Blood. Lots of it. All through his underwear.

The family was brought to tears and believed the boy this time. The healer was eventually arrested, found guilty and imprisoned.

Stories like this are not uncommon in Cambodia. And I’ve heard similar stories during my time in Bangladesh, Thailand, the Philippines and the United States.

The traditional healer is behind bars and the boy is all healed up physically. Of course he is. Boys can be burned, beaten and smashed and yet still be gold.

If only psychological trauma could bleed.

***

First Step Cambodia is, in my opinion, the country’s premier organization for helping male survivors of sexual abuse. Please consider supporting their work.

Related Reads:

- Never To Be Sold Again

- Human Trafficking: The Other 20%

- The Forgotten Many: Sex Trafficked Boys

- Dear UN: Please Add Men & Boys to Your Human Trafficking Definition

-Certain details have been altered to protect identity

–Photo: JohnMallon/Flickr

Apr
20

Locked Up Loved One? There’s an App for That.

Flikshop

Flikshop seeks to make it easier to communicate with those incarcerated.

Although making communication easier between those on the outside and those locked up will forever be a controversial issue, it’s true that methods haven’t been improved upon over the years. The technology advances on the outside often make it far tougher for those on the inside to shake their institutionalization and weave themselves back into society. Part of the “punishment” of being locked up is the loneliness, and yet this is also part of the problem. Few things can break the human psyche faster than feeling alone, unneeded and unloved. And this “breaking” doesn’t simply wear off once an inmate is released. Inmate Troy Chapman offered some beautiful insights in this NPR piece:

“There’s a lot of talk about what’s wrong with prisons in America. We need more programs; we need more psychologists or treatment of various kinds. Some even talk about making prisons more kind, but I think what we really need is a chance to practice kindness ourselves. Not receive it, but give it.

After more than two decades here, I know that kindness is not a value that’s encouraged. It’s often seen as weakness. Instead the culture encourages keeping your head down, minding your own business and never letting yourself be vulnerable.

For a few days a raggedy cat disrupted this code of prison culture. They’ve taken him away now, hopefully to a decent home — but it did my heart good to see the effect he had on me and the men here. He didn’t have a Ph.D., he wasn’t a criminologist or a psychologist, but by simply saying, “I need some help here,” he did something important for us. He needed us — and we need to be needed. I believe we all do.”

Further, America’s mass incarceration problem means that record numbers of inmates are locked up, which means record numbers of Americans are now separated from people close to them. It seems Flikshop has something with great potential.

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Apr
19

The Colorado: America’s Most Endangered River

Colorado

A few clicks is all it takes to tell Congress to keep the Colorado River flowing.

AmericanRivers.org has put together an incredible campaign to raise awareness about the beauty and plight of the Colorado River. After viewing the video below, consider taking 60 seconds to sign their letter to Congress. In addition to supporting their mission, you’ll also be showing your support for the work of some terrific groups like Protect the Flows, Nuestro Rio, National Young Farmers Coalition and Save the Colorado.

This campaign is well organized. When I signed the petition it recognized that my contact would be Congressman Pat Toomey and that additional information would be needed in order for him to receive my signature:

Toomey

 

Visit AmericanRivers/Colorado and follow these folks on Twitter: @AmericanRivers and @ProtectFlows.

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Apr
18

Torture, American Style

torture

Study concludes that US torture after 9/11 had “no justification” and “damaged the standing of our nation.”

President Obama used slick wording when he first spoke in the aftermath of the Boston bombing, “Any responsible individuals, any responsible groups, will feel the full weight of justice.”

“Justice” could mean something about the proper administration of law, but it doesn’t. The word has taken on new meaning in the US, and those who live outside of the US often have enough distance to see clearly what the word usually means when it rolls off American tongues: Revenge. Violent revenge.

On Tuesday the Constitution Project released the results of their study – a 577-page report which concludes that although brutality has occurred in every American war, “the kind of considered and detailed discussions that occurred after 9/11 directly involving a president and his top advisers on the wisdom, propriety and legality of inflicting pain and torment on some detainees in our custody” was unprecedented.

Waterboarding, chaining people to walls and keeping them awake for days on end is torture by the standards of most, but what most believe doesn’t stand in the eyes of law. It all comes back to slick wording and how the US had the power to essentially redefine “torture” into nonexistence after 9/11. According to this piece in The New York Times:

“The core of the report, however, may be an appendix: a detailed 22-page legal and historical analysis that explains why the task force concluded that what the United States did was torture. It offers dozens of legal cases in which similar treatment was prosecuted in the United States or denounced as torture by American officials when used by other countries.”

Any violent conflict in the world can be linked to revenge. The ongoing and often violent struggle between Thailand and Cambodia over the Preah Vihear temple? Revenge. The same can be said for most violent crime. One person upsets another and then…revenge. It’s the same philosophy as the little boy who pulls his sister’s hair because she took his toy and she took his toy because he wouldn’t share and he wouldn’t share because she never does and she never does because….

Human biology often makes revenge our first response. Numerous studies, for example, prove how…

“…watching/contemplating an act of vengeance triggers the brain’s reward center (not unlike the reward response for ingesting an addictive drug, or eating sugar).”

But if the violence of history proves anything it’s that violence as an answer to itself only ensures its continuation.

What can be said when the only thing that truly matters when it comes to torture isn’t the proof but the status of the country that tortured?

–Photo: Lall/Flickr

Apr
17

How Do We Cope With Our Grief After Boston?

Lisa Hickey, our leader at the Good Men Project, was between the two bombs at the Boston Marathon. Her daughter was competing. She shares her thoughts here on HLN:

Apr
16

If They Were Somebody. They Are Somebody.

Arch

Caring deeply for Guantánamo Bay detainees is not un-American.

Another anniversary of 9/11 comes and goes. We light candles and remember the fallen. The anger within many of us is temporarily reignited. We speak of where we were and invite others to do the same. Vocabulary: Freedom. Terrorism. Heroism. Cowardice. Good. Evil. Every television channel further sears the now iconic image of Bin Laden deeper into our minds. Some balance the somber memories with birthdays or, as my own grandparents until my grandmother’s recent passing, with wedding anniversaries. Meanwhile, at Guantánamo Bay, innocent people who were never charged with a crime are now psychologically wrecked from the torture they endured; innocent people who were never given a trial have had eleven years ripped from their lives; innocent people are now dwindling to nothing but bone and willing to die all in a desperate attempt to simply have a voice.

There is a distinct current in the United States that whispers: If you sympathize with Gitmo detainees then you are un-American. Samir Naji al Hasan Moqbel’s brave story on The New York Times titled Gitmo is Killing Me is a moving testament to the human spirit. That the UK legal charity Reprieve cared enough to listen to Samir’s voice is heroic. That The New York Times gave Samir’s voice an audience is as beautifully American as any story out there. The whisper within me: You know what’s un-American? Not giving two shits about these people. Under so many other circumstances Samir’s story would have instantly made him a hero:

I will never forget the first time they passed the feeding tube up my nose. I can’t describe how painful it is to be force-fed this way. As it was thrust in, it made me feel like throwing up. I wanted to vomit, but I couldn’t. There was agony in my chest, throat and stomach. I had never experienced such pain before. I would not wish this cruel punishment upon anyone….

It was so painful that I begged them to stop feeding me. The nurse refused to stop feeding me. As they were finishing, some of the “food” spilled on my clothes. I asked them to change my clothes, but the guard refused to allow me to hold on to this last shred of my dignity.

When they come to force me into the chair, if I refuse to be tied up, they call the E.R.F. team. So I have a choice. Either I can exercise my right to protest my detention, and be beaten up, or I can submit to painful force-feeding.

Why are Samir and so many others still detained? Here are a few ideas floating out there:

(1) Because even after 11 years we still have no idea whether or not they are terrorists. Guilty until proven innocent.

(2) Because the United States can at once rally the loudest for human rights and be the superpower capable of shredding them as it sees fit.

(3) Because after 11 years we are afraid of releasing these people – people who have undergone some of the world’s worst torture methods.

(4) Because sympathizing with the detainees could potentially ruin the careers of career politicians.

(5) Because in the eyes of many they are nobodies. They are taxi drivers and farmers and they are not white or wealthy or born in places with power.

Though I have a certain respect for him, John McCain’s entire political career, his life, has been bolstered by the torture he endured as he invaded another country and essentially sought to kill as many people as possible – innocent or not. He’s considered one of our country’s heroes for partaking in this.

And the elderly man in Laos – a country that holds the title of being the most heavily bombed – who wanders through the unexploded ordnance to collect pieces of metal so he can boil them down and make spoons to remind people to feed the world compassion and peace?

And the people who hush the whispers outside or within so they can see themselves in others?

And the people who believe everybody is somebody?

America was not attacked on 9/11. Humanity was. Continuing to deny basic human rights to potentially innocent detainees at Guantánamo Bay is proof that in many ways the terrorists are still winning.

–Photo: JohnMallon/Flickr

Apr
13

Finding the Boy in Your Father

Boy

Your father wasn’t just a boy “back then.” He’s one now, too.

I’ll do it as soon as I replace this toilet paper roll. Where are the nail clippers? I’ll do it as soon as I wash the dishes. And look at these floors. I’ll clean them first.

I’d felt mundane chores take on new or unnecessary importance like this before when laziness made me procrastinate. But this was wholly different. This was fear. I was about to hear my father’s voice for the first time in nearly fifteen years.

To plan this phone call we had exchanged a few emails throughout the month and those were our first communications since I was barely a teenager. His voice was the one thing about him I couldn’t remember. I could recall my father’s green eyes, the truck he drove and, of course, that he was left-handed. I could even remember many of his words verbatim. But not his voice. It was the one thing that memories and photographs hadn’t seared in.

As I sat in my Bangkok studio so too sat the dishes and the still half-full roll of toilet paper. There comes a sliver of a moment when the stress of leaning into a decision but not making it is worse than whatever stress the imagined outcome may bring. It could be bungee jumping or a marriage proposal or officially resigning from a job. Speaking with him on the phone was that moment for me. What to say? Where to begin?

Over the years I’d thought of him in seemingly every conceivable way and under the influence of seemingly every emotional state. I even wrote of him in a book. So I leaned the final lean:

- Hello?

- Hey Dad. It’s Cameron.

There was a one second pause of silent choking up, the breath of raw emotion–

- Hey Bud. How are ya?

What followed was father and son speaking for the first time as man and man. It was tender, it was real, it was surreal. It was his astonishment at my adulthood. It was my astonishment at the gentle and childlike curiosity in his voice. It was the meeting in the muddled middle, that terrifying and necessary place where the magic of growth often happens.

A week later, at Zen Master Thích Nhất Hạnh’s mindfulness retreat, I was guided at 5am through a 60-minute seated meditation about fathers. He spoke of how if we felt suffering and pain from our parents it was because they didn’t have the tools to transform their own suffering and pain and instead transmitted them to us. He spoke of “interbeing” and how we all have little children within us, how our parents are within us even at a biological level and how trying to purge rather than embrace this often only leads to more suffering. Here’s an excerpt of the first 10-minutes:

- Breathing in, I see myself as a 5-year-old child.
- Breathing out, I hold that 5-year-old child in me with tenderness.
- Breathing in, I see the 5-year-old child in me as fragile, vulnerable, easily wounded.
- Breathing out I feel the wound of that little child in me and I wrap it with compassion’s warmth.
- Breathing in, I see my father as a 5-year-old boy.
- Breathing out, I smile to my father as a 5-year-old boy.
- Breathing in, I see how as a 5-year-old child my father was fragile, vulnerable.
- Breathing out, I feel compassion for my father as a 5-year-old boy.

After the meditation, I jotted this in my notebook:

There goes my father
as a 5-year-old boy
down into the meadow.
I am there too.

–Photo: ciadefoto/Flickr

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A real man doesn’t or is or shouldn’t and can but must never or has but not always, sometimes. http://t.co/rgqE03o4Zq via @goodmenproject
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